The Crack In Everything
by Jeanny
Summary: Takes place in Season 3, AU after The Wish...Oz and Willow don't get back together, and she and Xander decide to give it a go...but is that the right decision? (X/W) *revised*


Title: The Crack in Everything

Author: Jeanny

Spoilers: Season 3 Through The Wish

Rating: PG

Feedback: Yes, please! jeannygrrl@hotmail.com

Distribution: Go ahead, I don't mind, just credit me and tell me where it's going.

Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel the Series and all the characters that appear on the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, The WB, UPN, Mutant Enemy, Inc. and any one else with a legal binding claim to the shows and/or characters. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: Takes place in Season 3, AU after The Wish...Oz and Willow don't get back together, and she and Xander decide to give it a go...but is that the right decision? 

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Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in

-Leonard Cohen, 'Anthem'

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"So..." Xander drawled slowly, drumming his fingers lightly on the table. Willow took another long gulp of her soda and swallowed hard. She'd tried to make up with Oz, but he had made it painfully clear it wasn't possible for them to have a future. So she'd finally given up on trying to reconcile, even though she missed him terribly. Then Xander had come to her and asked if she would consider giving the two of them a try. So she said yes, and now here they were, on their first real date. Her dream come true. So why did she feel to her like the other shoe was about to drop?

"So...this is fun," Willow said with false cheeriness. "It's a date. But there's a comfort level that you don't usually have on first dates. I mean, it's you and it's me and it's the Bronze, which is always a good time..."

"Absolutely," Xander said, gently taking her hand. "I don't think I've told you, Will, but I'm glad it worked out this way." Willow blushed shyly and nodded. Hearing him say that made a little shiver of happiness run through her.

"Yeah. I mean, me too. I kinda miss Oz...oh, is it okay for me to say that?" Willow's hand flew to her mouth, mortified. Xander squeezed her hand in reassurance.

"I think so. Sometimes I miss Cordy too...which is a definite sign that we should be dancing," he said, standing quickly. Willow smiled up at him, and he couldn't help but smile back.

"Should I be scared that I followed your logic there?" she said playfully as he dragged her out onto the dance floor.

"Nah. Xander Logic is just remedial Willow Logic," he responded as they bopped together to the upbeat song. In a minute she was laughing at some of Xander's patented antics. The weird wrong feeling she had been trying to shake the entire evening had begun to dissipate. It returned about thirty seconds later, however, when Xander bumped into a couple nearby. Turning to apologize, he locked eyes with the leggy blonde part of the couple for a shade longer than necessary. She smiled back coquettishly. Willow saw red. She turned on her heel and marched off the dance floor, practically knocking over Buffy as she moved to intercept. The Slayer easily regained her balance and grabbed hold of her friend, bringing her to a halt.

"Whoa. What happened, Will?" Buffy asked. She had been watching them discreetly from the other side of the room, and things had appeared to be going really well. Then all of a sudden Willow had turned to flee, and Buffy suspected Xander was his own worse enemy in the romance department yet again. Willow was blinking back tears furiously, her face as miserable as Buffy had ever seen it.

"This was a mistake. He doesn't really want to be with me, Buffy. He liked the excitement of the forbidden fruit thing, but now that he can have me he's making eyes with other girls and I just feel so...so...I gotta go." The last was said as a squeak as Xander had finally spotted her and was making a beeline for the two girls, concern and a little hurt in his eyes. Buffy let go and Willow ran, Xander breaking into a run as well. He found himself jerked almost off of his feet as he hit the edge of the dance floor, an irate Slayer the cause.

"Willow!" he shouted, his voice swallowed up by the crowd. He tried to wriggle out of Buffy's grip but she held on fast. "Let go of me, Buffy. Willow, wait!"

"Let her go," Buffy commanded, adding in a disappointed tone, "You just couldn't do it, could you?"

"What the hell did I do?" Xander asked angrily. Buffy motioned with her head towards the flirtatious blonde. When Xander looked over she smiled and winked. Xander looked back at Buffy, deflated. "What the hell did I do?" he repeated, this time in self-recrimination.

"Exactly," Buffy said, letting go of him but still holding him with her glare. "Xander, here's a girl who's been hopelessly head over heels for you for God knows how long while you've been ignoring her completely. Until someone else notices her, namely Oz, in which case you start noticing big-time, to the point where you two get caught making with the smoochies and both get dumped...and now you're ignoring her WHILE you're dating her?"

"I know, I know, I screwed up. You've got to let me go. I've got to find her and make it up to her," he said. Off Buffy's raised eyebrow he added hotly, "What's that look about? Oh wait, I get it. You don't think I'm good enough for Willow."

"No, YOU don't think you're good enough for Willow. I think you're trying to screw this up for yourself, and congratulations, you're succeeding. I also think you love her, but somewhere deep down you want for her to stand up and fight for you, and Willow's not going to do that. You're not dating Cordelia, or me...can you deal with that?"

"I...I've got to talk to Willow," Xander finally said, and Buffy sighed, releasing him. 

"Go. Find. Grovel." Buffy had to smile as she watched Xander dash madly from the room. *He really does love her, just like she loves him,* she thought, the smile gradually wiping off her face and sadness replacing it. *But sometimes love's not enough.*

Willow had made it out the door before she paused, trying to catch her breath. Of course, her breath was coming in hitches anyway, due to the crying she seemed unable to stop. Angrily she wiped at her eyes, looking down at the wetness on her fingers. So many of these tears cried over him, and now, just when she thought that would stop...she felt gentle fingers on her arm and allowed them to turn her around, but decided not to face him. She stared at her feet instead, encased in the shoes she had borrowed from Buffy for her date. *That's all I've been doing all along,* she thought bitterly. *Trying to fill Buffy's shoes.* Willow waited for the stammering apology, the sarcastic comment, the confused questions, but there was nothing, just steady breathing and that gentle touch. She slowly raised her eyes and a scarlet blush began creeping across her face when she saw Oz calmly watching her.

"Oz. Hi," she said, immediately endeavoring to look less of a mess, though it was a lost cause. Here she stood before the boy whose heart she had broken for the boy who made her this miserable, red eyes, red runny nose, Buffy's shoes...it was enough to make her want to cry if she hadn't already been.

"Willow," he breathed, and she shivered. She'd always loved the way he said her name. "Did something happen?"

"I'm so stupid," she muttered, so low that he had to lean in to hear her. "I'm so, so stupid, and how you must hate me."

"I-"

"No, you should!" Willow cut him off before he could reply, her voice louder but just as miserable. "You should always hate me, because I deserve to be hated by you. Hated and spit upon and ridiculed. I hurt you, and, and, and I knew what I was doing, and now I'm getting what I deserve. So...so you should gloat. Please, gloat." He touched her cheek gently and she frowned at him, tears threatening again. "Is this gloating?"

"No," he whispered, shaking his head as he continued to gently stroke her face, wiping away her tears. She closed her eyes for a moment, resting her cheek in his palm before her she opened them wide in puzzlement.

"What are you doing?" she asked, her voice trembling slightly.

"Funny, that was my question," came the answer from behind them. Oz and Willow turned and saw Xander watching them, his face stony with fury. Willow's face reddened even further. Oz slowly moved his hand away, his expression impassive as always.

"Just trying to help," Oz shrugged. Willow smiled at him weakly as he backed away, shaking his head. She turned away from both of them, burying her face in her hands. Xander pointed at Oz angrily.

"Back off, Oz. This is none of your business," he almost growled. Oz raised one eyebrow, nodding.

"You're right. It's not," he said slowly, "except that Willow's crying. And when she cries, something's so wrong about my world that I have to try to fix it, you know? No matter what's happened, I guess that's how it'll be for me." With that he walked away, leaving Xander staring at Willow's back, so eloquent in its distress. For a moment he despaired, and the words were out of his mouth before he could consider them.

"You should go after him." Willow turned to face him, the pain in her eyes like a lance through Xander's heart.

"He doesn't want me," she said dejectedly. Xander shook his head.

"That's not what I just saw. Or heard," he added. "If you went to him now, I think he'd take you back." Willow looked uncertain, and Xander tried to smile encouragingly, but he couldn't quite manage it. "Besides, Will, who in his right mind wouldn't want you?"

"You don't," she whispered balefully. Xander flinched like she had slapped him.

"Oh God, Will. Is that what you think, because that couldn't be less true. I want you so much it hurts. I'm just...really good at screwing up my life, and everything in it. Buffy said that's what I'm trying to do."

"Why?" she asked, and he was amazed at her sympathetic tone. That was his Willow, all right. There was nothing she wouldn't try to understand and forgive, especially his own shabby treatment of her. It made him feel even more ashamed.

"Because I'm not good enough for you," he said honestly. Seeing her about to protest, he continued, "I'm not, Will. Oz is so much better. Oz would never have looked twice at the girl. All he ever saw was you. He's just...I know he'll treat you like you deserve to be treated. And yeah, he's a werewolf, but you were okay with that before, just stock up on the doggie treats-"

"Why are you trying so hard to make me go back to Oz?" Willow demanded shakily. "So you don't have to feel bad? So you don't have to tell me you don't love me?"

"I do love you!" Xander shouted back. "That's why I'm letting you go! Cause all I do is mess it up! All I do is hurt you! Losing you is will be like having my heart ripped out and stomped on every moment of the day for the rest of my life, but that's still better than knowing that I make you miserable."

"You don't!" Willow yelled back. "What makes me miserable is knowing I'm not enough for you. I'm just Willow. I'm not a Slayer, or a cheerleader, or a beautiful exotic girl...I'm just Willow, your buddy, your pal, the girl you don't think of as a girl." The last part came out so bitterly that Xander winced. "I mean, for a while I was exciting cause I was with Oz...that's why you want me back with him!"

Xander took two long strides towards her, grabbed her less than gently by the shoulders and kissed her hard on the mouth. After a surprised moment she returned the kiss in kind, parting her lips to allow his tongue free access. Only the wolf-whistles and catcalls from the patrons waiting to enter the Bronze brought them back to reality. Xander released her and Willow stepped back, touching her lips wonderingly.

"No. I don't want you back with Oz so that I'll find you exciting," Xander said almost conversationally, as if the kiss hadn't happened. "I find you so exciting right now that it's everything I can do not to...let's just save me the slap in the face and say I want you bad, okay? You're not 'just' Willow! You've never been 'just' Willow to me. You're MY Willow, and I think you're the most beautiful, brilliant, sexy, zany, maddeningly insecure girl in Sunnydale. And yeah, okay, you're my pal, my buddy, my very best friend. Don't you get it? That's what makes this so much better. I love you so much, Willow. I can't even imagine my life without you in it. And the only thing I can't understand is why a girl as amazing as you would even waste her time with a cretin like me." His shoulders sagged as he said the last, and Willow reached up and touched his face, smiling.

"Because you're my Xander. Because I've loved you since you were five. Because you've stood up for me, taken care of me, always been there for me. Because you're brave, and loyal, and handsome, and smart - yeah, I know you don't believe it, but you are. And you're also shallow and obsessed with sex, but that's to be expected, cause you're a teenage guy and all. And you make me crazy sometimes...a lot of sometimes, actually...but I can't imagine my life without you, either."

"I'm gonna keep screwing up," he warned.

"I'm gonna keep overreacting," she replied.

"I'm clueless," submitted he.

"I'm neurotic," countered she.

"I make inappropriate jokes, and I've got the sarcasm thing happening, and sometimes I say things I'm kicking myself for," he confessed.

"I keep everything bottled up and then I just explode for no reason. And I babble incessantly about nothing," she admitted ruefully. Xander stroked her hair thoughtfully.

"I like your babble," he said with a grin.

"I like your jokes," she answered, and brought her lips up for another kiss. Neither one of them had any idea how many lost minutes later they heard Buffy clearing her throat. They turned to her with sheepish grins.

"I'm taking the smoochies as a sign things have been worked out?" she said. The couple nodded.

"We're hopelessly flawed," Willow smiled broadly.

"Doomed to screw this up," Xander added with a happy grin of his own. At Buffy's startled look they both started to laugh.

"It can't end well," Willow gasped between giggles.

"Nope, I'm giving us fifty, sixty years tops," Xander replied, leaning in for another kiss. Buffy felt a twinge of envy watching them, but mostly she felt glad for them.

"That was so sweet my teeth hurt," she teased. The three fell into step together as always, Xander linking arms with the two girls.

"It was kind of schmaltzy, wasn't it?" Xander observed.

"The schmaltziest," Willow agreed. "But it worked. You got the girl."

"True," Buffy observed. "Now comes the keeping part, though. Is he up to that?"

"If I got him through trig, I can get him through this," Willow said with such solemnity that they came to a quick halt, staring at her. Her resolve face made them all burst into laughter, the warmth of it wafting through the night.

"You think so? That trig thing took a lot out of you. We're talking about some serious hours you're going to need to put in if you really want to perfect me," Xander said with mock sincerity. Her eyes twinkled mischievously.

"If I wanted perfect I would have gone after Oz...oh God, that didn't come out right!" she cried, covering her mouth and wincing at the stricken look he threw at her. She shook her head contritely. "See? I'm not perfect either, 'cause behold the lameness. And there's the part where I love Oz, but I'm not in love with him. And there's the part where I'm hopelessly in love with you and therefore the blood doesn't actually flow to my brain anymore." Willow blushed and looked down as she realized what she had just come close to confessing.

"I know that feeling," Xander said with an adoring smile, stroking her cheek. Buffy shook her head, sighing heavily.

"Have pity on the aloneness of me, you too."

"You're not alone, Buffy!" Willow said, throwing an arm around her friend. "We love you."

"We love you lots," Xander agreed, adding his arms around the Slayer. Buffy closed her eyes, enjoying the warmth of the love of her friends. They stood in the group hug for a perfect moment in time, before Xander spoke.

"I don't suppose we can talk threesome at this juncture?"

Buffy and Willow sighed. So much for perfect moments.

"Ow!"

Then again, imperfect moments could be fun, too.

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Feedback is appreciated :)


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